If your pet could talk, it would probably not have that much to say. What’s there to complain about? They’re fed, washed, cleaned up after and are probably pretty content with their lot. But sometimes they get sick, can’t follow you to the restaurant and pee all over the living room couch, or you get bored and decide they need a new haircut—and then you wish they could tell you what exactly they are digging. Well, you know us—BK knows Bangkok best—and that includes your critters, too.

Dolce the Diva

Breed: Toy Poodle
Age: 4
Sex: Female

Oh, my, gosh! Did I just like die and go to heaven? Seriously. Have you guys, like, ever tried out the Dog Spa at ZEN (6/F Zen Department Store, CentralWorld, Ratchadamri Rd., 02-100-9999. www.zen.co.th)? It was just soooooo fabulous!! I got a mani (B150-275). Or is it a pedi? Whatevs, my nails are now all pink! I’m sooo lovin’ it girls. Well my mom was there shopping but she didn’t, like, dare let me stay home alone. They’re fixing our wallpaper and she was scared those people might steal me or something as I’m, like, so precious and all. So she dropped me at the spa and I got myself an aroma bath in their Jacuzzi tub (B200-250). I wanted the massage (B400-700) but Mommy said we didn’t have time so I got an oil treatment for my hair instead (B150-300). Am I not looking PHAT? No, not FAT you twit, it’s Pretty-Hot-And-Tempting.

Last week Mommy and Daddy went to Paris and they couldn’t take me with them. Bummer. I could, like, totally see myself strolling down the Champs-Élysées. Instead, they booked me a room at Petropolitan Hotel (Ozono, 307 Sukhumvit Soi 39, 02-259-2788. www.ozono.us) and it was so awesome. Maybe not Paris-awesome, but Bangkok-awesome. They have a spa and a big comfy park (See J-Avenue for the Pooch and You) where you can take your beauty stroll. The best part is it’s a completely exclusive members spot so you can be guaranteed you don’t have to mingle with the riff raff.

Anyway girls, gotta run. Let’s hook up, maybe grab a Dogkery chicken liver brownie (B89, various locations, 02-564-6707. www.dogkery.com). I gotta watch my line, though, these things are addictive.

Spike the Sporty

Breed: Bulldog
Age: 2
Sex: Male

One small pee on the couch and I get sent off to boot camp. SJ K9 (02-748-8494. www.sj-k9.com) isn’t all bad, though. They taught me some commands that make my owner so proud when he shows me off to his mates (B10,700 for a basic 120-day behavioral course). And the school is in Pattaya, so at least I got a chance to strut my stuff on the beach! There was an exam at the end but I made it and now I have a certificate to prove it.

I bumped into my friend Jumpy the Jack Russell the other day and she had just finished the training herself. She didn’t have it rough like I did though; she didn’t get sent away! She did her training in town at Doggie Doo (71 Soi Yenakart, Nanglinchee Rd., 02-286-6849. www.doggiedoo.net) so she didn’t have to stay overnight and there were only 10 sessions (B15,000). It sounded more like a playground than a training center. I mean they have a swimming pool, spa and even nice hotel rooms for her to stay in. Lucky bitch.

Right, gotta run, I asked Jumpy to meet me later at Paradise Park (5/5 Moo 18, Borommarachachonnanee Rd., 02-448-1282. www.petparadise2004.com). I plan on taking her for a walk down to their big lake or maybe going for a swim in the pool. If I play my cards right, it could lead to some serious butt sniffing.

E-Z the Exotic

Breed: Brookesia Chameleon
Age: 2
Sex: Female

Oh, joy, my owner just got another African lizard for this exotic petting zoo I’m forced to call home. I guess it’s not his fault for wanting something other than a poodle as a friend, but you’d think he’d realize that we might not really belong here.

I mean, I used to live on this beautiful island called Madagascar and spent my days basking under the equatorial sun while dining on a choice of tasty tropical insects. Then, I got rounded up with all my buddies and sent off to Chatuchak Market. They all died on the way; I was the only one left. I’d tell him he killed 20 of my family just to get me but I don’t talk. I’m a chameleon.

Neither do I have wifi in my little cage, otherwise I’d report my butchering traffickers to TRAFFIC (Wildlife Trade Monitoring Network, www.traffic.org) and stop this cruel practice.

I wonder how that African lizard tastes.

Cookie the Companion

Breed: Si Sawat
Age: 1
Sex: Male

I’m adopted. I don’t know my dad. Well, I might, but my mom having slept with the whole neighborhood, it’s hard to tell. Anyway, she got run over. Yeah, sad. But then the SCAD picked me up (See Second Chance) and they put my picture in the classifieds of BK Magazine and I got a new home.

Some of the animals I saw at SCAD were pretty rough, though. They were mean and dirty but the humans helped them anyway. They stay on the streets, though. You gotta be a good kid to be put up for adoption. One thing we have in common is we get our balls chopped off. Ouch.

My owner, I don’t think her mom slept with half the neighborhood. She seems to be more the hiso type. In fact, she’s taking me to Am Pet (48/42 Nawongpracha Patana Rd., Don Muang, 02-978-6451, 081-623-1562. www.ampet.net) tomorrow to take some studio pictures. Imagine that. Me, getting my picture taken.

Gummy the Goner

Breed: Daschund
Age: 8
Sex: Male

Yeah, I’m dead. Come on, you’ve been reading about talking animals, you can deal with dead talking animals.

I almost bit the dust two years ago, if my owners hadn’t rushed me to Kasetsart Veterinary Hospital (50 Phaholyothin Rd., 02-972-8756/-9. http://hospital.vet.ku.ac.th/) for a blood transfusion. I was walking down my soi minding my own business when this motorcycle taxi hit me in the stomach. Guess my fat tummy wasn’t big enough to protect me.

Then I became paralyzed, I could no longer walk and I started developing heart problems. So I was admitted to the Thonglor Pet Hospital (205/5-8 Thonglor Soi 9, 02-712-6301/-4). They had like four vets taking care of me. One took care of my heart, one helped me exercise, one was injecting me with insulin and one helped me calm down. Now, that’s service.

Well in the end, I didn’t make it. This white Chihuahua with wings came to me and said it was time for me to go. The next day, I saw my human masters putting my picture next to this urn they got at World Pet Angle (40/736 Moo 10, Khlong Lum Jiek Rd., Bung Kum, 02-509-2007. www.wpa.co.th).

Now, I have wings, too.

Foxtrot the Farm boy

Breed: Zebra
Age: 10
Sex: Male

I love people. You know they really are so entertaining, wandering around on their back legs all day. It’s really cool the way they let them in to see us at our place in Khao Kheow (235 Moo 7, Bang Phra, Sriracha, 038-298-270. www.kkopenzoo.com). The other Zebras and I just crack up looking at them and the way they make weird squeaking noises—it’s almost like they’re talking to each other. Because this is something called an open zoo we get a chance to get real close to the humans. It’s so funny. Some humans even come and stay overnight at the zoo (not with us of course).

Still it’s not all fun. There’s this one new guy I know, Kicks, who’s been a right pain in the rump since he moved here. He used to be at Dusit Zoo (71 Rama 5 Rd., 02-281-2000. www.dusitzoo.org), in Bangkok, and he thinks we country zebs are all baan nok. What a jerk. I’ve met some of the Dusit Zoo folks before and they were pretty nice. Guess he did something bad to get exiled, perhaps got involved with the square jawed guy, there. He looks a bit like a horse.

I think I got it pretty good, though. My cousin Stripes, who’s hanging out at Safari World (99 Panyaindra Rd., Samwatawantok, 02-914-4100/-19. www.safariworld.com), says the open zoo there is also pretty cool though the humans sound pretty darn lazy. Apparently they just drive around in their four wheeled metal boxes to see the animals up-close. Stripes did say the place is kinda old but he’s hoping more people come along so that way he’s got something to keep him entertained. Sorry gotta go look at this new batch coming through the gates. Man, you gotta see the size of that one’s head.

Gargoyle the Gigolo

Breed: Siamese
Age: 1
Sex: Male

Yo mah peepz, how’s it hangin’? Damn, where all de kittens be? Papa needs some love! I been meowing my balls off fo’ weeks already for the Boss to let me out but he thinks I up to no good. Well fo shizzle ma nizzle, yo crib ain’t got no honey for me!

I was jammin’ with mah crew de other day and mah man Puzz was all pimpin’ and I was like day-um! He got himself some blingin’ new collar (B450) and a serious bell to go with. Now that’s how you get the honies, baby. He sez he got them shiz when the Boss took him to Prima Dog (B1/F Central Chidlom (parking lot), Phloenchit Rd., 02-655-5645). Yeah he sez it ain’t for just dawgs yo, us cats can live it up there too. Best hair prods and get-ups (B240-550) in town for us pimps, ya’ll. They even got themselves some love seats (pet couch, B2,500) for the snuggling. That’s what Papa needs in his crib.

But then mah boy Clawz sez the joint at Zen (6/F Zen Department Store, CentralWorld, Ratchadamri Rd., 02-100-9999. www.zen.co.th) is damn more trippin’. They got some serious pet wheels (pet carts, B5,000), too. You dun even haf ta drive man, can just be sittin’ takin’ in the cool breeze. They even got a beauty shop but it ain’t for us felines sez them Zen people. Damn dawgs, they take everythin’ from us cats. I could use some serious highlights (B550 per 8 square cm, for dogs only) for mah fur, Papa needs some attention.

Anywayz, enuff with da babblin’, I got meself some lickin’ to do. Ya’ll, hit me up at ma Catster at www.catster.com/cats/700252 if ya wanna chill.

Pet-Friendly Places

BK Asks: "If you were a stray dog, what would you do?"